After the recent murders of Renee Good and Alex Pretti in Minneapolis, my emotions are looming large. One minute grief, then anger, jumping to anxiety, then surprising me with hope. I can be washing dishes or folding clothes and notice tears running down my face. I listen to the news. I become angry with people who don’t see how our democracy is crumbling in front of us. We watch this unfold in shock and horror. I’m furious at the misinformation and lies. I wake up in the night and process my thoughts at times for 2-4 hours. “What’s wrong with me? Am I losing my mind?” The truth is, I’m completely normal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I am simply leaning fearlessly into my emotions. I want to know what is below the surface of these feelings. Many people have not noticed that the erosion of our democracy has been happening for decades. It is no longer subtle, but deliberate and lawless. Everything has changed. Nothing is as it was. Our government no longer protects its citizens but punishes them.

I want to shake people and say, “Wake up!!” We are in collective shock. I keep hearing people wanting to get back to normal. Yet what does that look like? Why long to return to an existence that was not working for most of us? I, for one, have no wish to return to the times of collective exhaustion, greed, and disconnection with other people. During this violent time, why not dream of a better way? Why not take these precious moments and reinvent something that sustains and nourishes us? We already know how to distance. We’ve been running away from healthy solutions for humans and the planet for generations. We chase our desire for bigger and better until the world and planet can’t take it anymore.

It has become imperative to speak truth to power. Protesting peacefully, calling, and writing to our elected officials is paramount to effect change. Our activism also needs to be balanced by self-care. As we engage publicly, it is equally important to balance this with periods of silence and quiet nourishment of ourselves. For now, cooking in my kitchen helps ground me and holds my tidal wave of emotions at bay. For me, preparing food is like meditation or prayer for some. One thing I do know is that we need to practice a lot more kindness and compassion for each other. Our existence is not a virtual reality. It is our reality. Right here, right now. We all yearn for shelter from the storm.

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” — Barack Obama